Helping children understand death isn’t easy, but it can offer reassurance and a sense of security.
As a parent, it’s natural to want to protect your loved ones from pain and sorrow. However, helping children understand death is an important part of preparing them for life. While it’s never easy, having honest, age-appropriate conversations can offer comfort and support during difficult times.
In this article, we share some effective ways to approach this delicate topic with care, empathy, and confidence.
1. Prepare Yourself First
There’s no way around it: talking to children about death and loss is hard. Before starting the conversation, take a moment to check your own emotional state. Are you ready to talk? Are you overwhelmed by your own grief? If you’re struggling, ask a trusted friend or family member to help support your child while you care for yourself. That’s not a failure—it’s a loving act of parenting. Keep in mind that children are incredibly perceptive. Even if you haven’t told them anything, they’ll notice changes in your behavior, mood, and energy. It’s often better to gently share the truth than to leave them guessing or imagining something worse.
2. Be Honest, Direct, and Simple
When you’re ready to talk, choose words that are clear and age appropriate. Avoid euphemisms like “gone to sleep”, as they can confuse children or even frighten them. Instead, use simple, concrete language like: “Grandma died. That means we won’t see her again, but we can still lovingly remember her.” It’s also okay to admit that you don’t have all the answers. Children value honesty, and your openness teaches them that it’s safe to ask questions and talk about their feelings.
3. Don’t Try to Hide Your Sorrow
Many parents worry about crying in front of their children. But showing your grief can actually help them understand that big feelings are natural, and it gives them permission to express their own emotions, too. Let them see your sadness, and reassure them that it’s natural to feel a combination of things at once—grief, confusion, love, and even joy when recalling fond memories.
4. How to Talk About Death by Age
Every child is different, but understanding general developmental stages can help you tailor your conversations:
Babies and Toddlers (0–2 Years)
Even very young children sense loss and emotional changes. They may not understand what death means, but they’ll react to changes in routine, environment, or the absence of a loved one.
o Offer extra comfort and reassurance.
o Keep familiar routines when possible.
o Use short, simple phrases: “Grandma isn’t here anymore. She died.”
Young Children (2–5 Years)
Children at this age may start to understand that death means someone is no longer alive, but not that it’s permanent.
o Expect questions like, “When are they coming back?”
o Avoid confusing terms like “gone away” or “lost”.
o Use nature as a teaching tool, such as a flower, insect, or animal that has died, to introduce the concept.
Children (6–8 Years)
By this age, children are beginning to grasp that death is permanent. They may become curious and ask a lot of questions or show their emotions through play or drawings.
o Be patient with repeated questions as this is how they process the event.
o Acknowledge their feelings, even if they seem fixated on death.
o Offer books or movies that can help them understand and open the conversation, such as The Invisible String or The Goodbye Book.
Tweens and Preteens (9–12 Years)
Older children are more likely to internalize their emotions. They may worry about others dying or feel anxiety about their own safety.
o Reassure them about their wellbeing.
o Let them know it's okay to feel sad, confused, or even angry.
o Encourage open conversation, but also respect their space.
Teens (13+)
Teenagers may appear mature but still struggle emotionally. They often seek support from peers instead of parents, and grief may show up as withdrawal, irritability, or even risk-taking behavior.
o Let them know you’re available to talk but don’t pressure them to open up.
o Encourage healthy outlets such as journaling, art, sports, or grief groups.
o Support their need for independence while offering emotional security.
5. What If They Don’t Want to Talk?
Sometimes children—especially older ones—won’t want to talk about death right away. That’s okay. What matters is that they know you’re there when they’re ready. In the meantime, make sure they have a supportive network such as a trusted adult, teacher, coach, or counselor. If you’re worried about how your child is coping, don’t hesitate to seek professional support.
6. Give Them a Sense of Control
Helping your child feel safe and empowered can ease some of the helplessness that comes with grief.
Offer gentle choices. For example, “Would you like to attend the memorial service?” or “Do you want to light a candle together?” You might also encourage creative outlets. Try making a memory box together, or invite them to write a note or draw a picture for their loved one. These small acts can help them express their feelings and stay connected in a meaningful way.
7. Keep the Dialog Going
Talking about loss isn’t one long conversation. Rather, its’s a series of small, ongoing discussions over time. Grief may resurface around birthdays, holidays, or other reminders. Check in regularly and keep space open for reflection and healing. Children often grieve in waves, so they may cry one moment and laugh the next. It’s normal and healthy—it’s how they process their emotions in manageable doses.
8. Don’t Forget Yourself
Supporting a grieving child is incredibly hard if you’re struggling yourself. Prioritize your physical and emotional health: eat well, sleep, exercise, and seek out your support system. You don’t have to do this alone.
We hope you find this resource about helping children understand death useful. If you need additional information or have questions about your child’s grief journey or your own, please reach out to us. Our caring team is here to assist you in your time of need.
About Evan W. Smith Funeral Services: Since 2009, residents of Wilmington, Dover, and the surrounding Delaware community have relied on the caring staff at Evan W. Smith Funeral Services to help them through their darkest hours. Family-owned and operated, the company offers an array of elite funeral care services, including traditional funerals, cremations, memorials, pre-planning, grief counseling, and more. With decades of experience in caring for families from all cultural backgrounds and diverse walks of life, Evan W. Smith Funeral Services is committed to creating memorable, uplifting experiences that always exceed expectations. For more information, please visit www.ewsmithfs.com.
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